An update...

Josh brought me my laptop last night so that I would have something to do for the long hours spent here in the hospital with Grace. It is 6:00 a.m. and I finally got a couple of hours of sleep last night. Much better than the one hour the night before. I have just been sitting here next to Grace's crib. So many things have been going through my mind. I figure it might help to just get them out of my brain by typing them out. So if it is long, I apologize.

I have been warned about RSV since the day Maddie was born. I checked patients in at the clinic who were recovering from this horrible sickness. But honestly, it never registered to me just how horrible it is until 2 days ago. Grace had been a little stuffy and on Sunday night she coughed a couple of times. I tried to just shrug it off and not be too obsessive about it. But by Monday I couldn't help but start wondering if she was going to be okay. Tuesday was spent debating back and forth after a few phone calls to the doctor whether or not to bring her in. Wednesday morning made it all clear. She was wheezing when she breathed, she couldn't breathe through her nose and at times eating was difficult. So off we went to the doctor. He said that she would need to go over to the hospital for an RSV test and to get "suctioned" and that she did have bronchiolitis and that since it is a virus there was nothing we could do. So in tears I drove home and had Josh watch Maddie and Hayden while I took Grace over to the hospital. They have a whole section just for this. There was no one in the waiting room and one baby being finished up in the room next door. I sat there with Grace and tried to ignore the painful screams coming from the baby being suctioned next door. They stick a tiny tube down their little nostrils into their throats and suck all of the mucous out as they pull it back. The mother was crying and pleading with the nurse to make her little boy better. The nurse did her best to try to calm the Mom down. A couple of minutes later the little boy and his Mom were out the door. Thinking it was our turn, I grabbed our stuff and headed for the room-wanting to just get it over with before I lost my nerve. I didn't want to hurt her and from the sounds of the screams that had been coming from the room before, it was going to. The nurse came out and said that she had been working since 8:00 a.m. (it was now 12:45) and that she was the only nurse and she was going to lunch and that I could wait another 45 min. to 1 hour and she would come back to suction her. I told her I had to get back so my husband could get back to work and she pretty much said tough luck. So I headed back home in tears. I wanted Grace to just get better so I wouldn't have to put her through that.

When I got home Maddie was crying that her ear hurt. She was getting over a cold so I knew she had an ear infection. So I was back on the phone leaving a message to have the nurse call me so I knew if I had to bring Maddie in next. The nurse finally called back around 4:30 and said to bring her in just so he could check her ears before giving her a prescription. Sure enough, 1 ear infection and 1 prescription later we were back in the car headed to pick up her prescription. We came home, had dinner, and later put the kids to bed. I was making sure I had Maddie's valentines for school ready to go for the next morning when Gracie started to cry that she was hungry. I made her a bottle, sat down, and started feeding her. Every time she would suck all of the milk would come back out of her mouth. She was so hungry but couldn't swallow. So I hurried and changed into some jeans, pulled my hair back, grabbed Gracie and the diaper bag and headed off to the hospital for the dreaded suctioning to give her some relief.

When we arrived, the waiting room was full. 7 other babies and sleep deprived parents were also waiting for this same procedure. I found a seat and Grace started to fuss. I looked everywhere for her binkie only to realize I had left it at home. So I picked her up and tried my best to keep her calm since I knew she was still starving. One of the mothers with her baby covered in his car seat sitting on her lap said "Your little girl sounds just like my little boy did 3 days ago." I asked her how he was doing now and she said "Well, he just got out of the hospital today and we are here for his first outpatient suctioning." My heart sunk. I didn't think Grace would be hosptialized but now the idea was eating away at me. Baby after baby left the room into the suctioning room where you could hear them cry as they cleared their little airways. 2 nurses were working that night so we only waited about an hour. When it was Grace's turn the nurse had me put her on the table where she wrapped her up in a blanket and had me hold down her arms and hold her head steady so she could collect the RSV sample. As she did this I could see the concern come over her face. She kept saying things about oxygen levels and respiratory levels as she suctioned and the other nurse came over and soon they were both working on Grace. It was all happening so fast. The next thing I know they are asking me who her primary care physician is and that they would need to call him and let him know Grace's vitals. They let me hold her little shaking body. I was trying to keep her calm and trying to bite my lip so I could keep it together. The nurse came in a couple of minutes later and said that Grace was being admitted and to sit tight for a minute while they got her bed ready on the pediatric floor. I started biting my lip even harder. No one needed a Mom falling apart while they are asking questions about how she has been doing prior to coming in, making sure addresses and insurance information was up to date, etc. It was all a blur to me. I called Josh and told him I wouldn't be coming home and that Grace was being admitted. He was in shock. Neither one of us saw this one coming at all. I told him to call my family because I was going to be taking her to her room in a few minutes and told him I would call when we were settled. The nurse then gave Grace a breathing treatment and was trying to say anything she could think of to keep me calm. (I am sure panic was all over my face) The other nurse came over with kleenex and said "Now that you know she is going to be staying and getting all of the help she needs it is okay to cry. In fact it is better that you cry and let it all out. Go ahead." I was bawling by the time she said it was okay. She was a cute little Grandma nurse and she just sat there with me as I held Grace and cried. Soon we were in our room and the night nurses were showing me where everything was and checking Grace. They said they needed to suction her again and one nurse held her while the other suctioned. I stood in the corner and cried. I have never felt so helpless, so bad for this little girl who is only 7 weeks old and is miserable. Her little cries broke my heart. After they finished they wrapped her up in a blanket and handed her to me. They asked me to calm her down so they could assess her. I can't even begin to describe the feelings that as a Mom you begin to feel as you look down at this tiny baby with cords hooked everywhere and a respirator in her nose. Especially when you weren't prepared for any of it in the first place. But on the other hand, who really is ever prepared for something like this. She quit crying and for the first time in a long time was breathing quietly and sleeping peacefully. As the night went on, the nurses came in and educated me on everything I would ever need to know about watching pulse, O2 levels and respiratory rates on the monitor to checking her skin for signs of dehydration. There was so much to remember. They came in every 2 hours to suction her again and again. The nurse said it should be called the Respiratory Snot Virus because essentially that is all it is. What is a normal cold to the rest of us is a horrible snot filled sickness for babies. If she could cough and sneeze and blow her nose then none of this would happen. I have decided that in my world one day, that is exactly what babies will do.

So it has been the same routine ever since. We sit here in the hospital room and every couple of hours she is suctioned and checked. Usually I sit here in a chair right next to her crib so she can rest or I am rocking her back and forth. They say she is a tough little girl and that the tough ones usually seem to do better faster. I am praying they are right. I can't count how many times I have prayed for her to start doing better or to just let me be as sick as I would need to be just for her to get better. They came in last night and told me that her test for RSV came back positive so at least we know what we are dealing with. Her lungs are clear which is good because who needs pneumonia on top of it?! Josh stopped by last night to see her. He has been home with the kids and they don't allow little kids here because it is so contagious so my sister Michelle sat with them while he came in. I don't think he was prepared for what he saw. He doesn't do well when the kids get sick. He just wants them better. She tried giving him a couple of smiles and that made him feel a little better. He has been juggling the kids and work. I have been so lucky to have him. I know he has a million and ten things going on with work that only he can get done down here for a meeting on Monday and he has so much pressure to get that done-and has Maddie and Hayden on top of it-but he doesn't complain. Today Dr. Taylor will be coming to give us the verdict of if we get to go home yet or not. Part of me knows that we will most likely be here longer but there is a huge part of me that just wants to get home. So hopefully it will happen soon. And of course, we will keep you posted. Thank you so much for your comments and for praying for our family. We are so grateful.