An open letter....

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Hood,

As you can see we have found your real names. The next time you check in under the name of Mr. and Mrs. Smith, may we suggest that you leave the children at home.

In regards to your recent stay with us at our swanky boutique hotel, it was a unique opportunity to serve you. To make your next stay even more memorable, may we make a few suggestions:

Let's start with the valet service upon arrival. Usually cars arrive clean, ready to be presented to the valet attendant. Oh, and yes, no matter how you to try to wiggle out of this, you may not park your own vehicle. We will not damage your Honda doors with dings from Mercedes, BMWs, and Porches that we are accustomed to parking. So please don't ask to park your own bug encrusted, goldfish smeared car. We are happy to do it for you.

As you enter our hotel, you will be greeted by our doorman who will be glad to wait for your son while he decides that now is a good time to rearrange his footwear. Notice the lovely scent as you walk though our doors. We hope all who enter into our establishment can smell pleasant as well. Flip flops, sweat pants and t-shirts, while comfortable, are not highly recommended. Not at all. Especially on grown women.

The complementary breakfast, while it is a highlight of our hotel, it is usually brought by your valet with your belongings. There is no need to ask for this at check-in.

Speaking of the extended valet service, we were intrigued by your artistic and creative packing abilities. We have never seen ziplock bags used as luggage before. The attendants were amuzed with your milk cap and snail shell collections. The bell boy still doesn't buy the story that they are "for your mother's first grade class" and the other guests had bets that you smuggled them from the hotel kitchen. We were to keep an eye out for anything else you may try to sneak off in a transparent baggie.

Also, please put all personal belongings in your luggage including that last minute swim suit you tossed in before leaving (for clarification, our hotel does not have a swimming pool). The bell boy felt he was violating you by touching the sacred swim suit we have heard you never wear. Be aware that anything in a car is thought to be needed in your hotel room. As you recall, we do unload the entire contents of your car for your use during your stay, such as your 2 for 1 Arbys, Artic Circle, and Papa Murphy's coupons and your spare roll of paper towels. Crushed Fruit Loops, crackers, and fruit snacks were not removed because we do not have a full detail service included with the valet.

We try to make our check out process as easy as possible by providing you with 5 valet representatives, one for every door. They quickly got you into your diaper filled car and on your way.

We appreciate the courtesy call you made a couple of days later regarding a lost ladies Target shoe. We have still yet to locate it. We are confident that the next guest staying in the suite would not have had a need or a use for it. Perhaps the room attendant took as garbage and threw it away. We don't reimburse for damage under $50.00. (That is 5 $10.00 bills) Which is more than you left for a tip for our 5 valets. It was hard for them to split a solid $5.00 bill.

In case you care to grace our lobby again please call in advance and we will have our service elevator in the back ready and waiting for your arrival.

Sincerly,

Management

Hotel Monaco

Salt Lake City, UT