The big "C"

I have always had "fair" skin. I can't tan even a little bit.

I have always hated swimming suits, shorts, and anything else that makes it more obvious to the world that I glow. I know that I should learn to embrace it. To love who I am and all that crap. But I just haven't reached that point yet. I would kill for a good tan. Well...maybe not kill but I would love one.

To make matters worse, my "fair" skin has turned on me.
I found a mole on the side of my neck about a year ago that started looking "suspicious" so I talked to my doctor when I went in for other things and he recommended the dermatologist. I put it of and put it off until last week.

She did a quick in-office surgery to cut the mole out. It didn't hurt then but boy does it now, still 4 days later. She had to cut more than she had originally thought and said there is a 50/50 chance it is melanoma. Her face had me convinced my odds were more than that.

Cancer.

Seriously?
Me?

C-A-N-C-E-R.




The last 3 days have been some of the hardest of my life. I think it would only be harder if my kids were in this situation.

Is it really melanoma? Did I wait too long? Has it spread? And a million other questions that I don't even want to type.

I will be going about my day, trying not to think of it, and then WHAM! There it is again. I burst into tears and then try to hide it from my kids. I don't want them to worry. But I do.

I am human. Anything is possible. Any disease, cancer or accident. It could happen to me.

I have never pleaded and begged to my Heavenly Father as much as I have in the last three days.

Josh tells me I am fine. What else is he supposed to say?

I grew up knowing that one day I would be making frequent trips to the dermatologist. My parents come back every time with burn marks where the doctor takes care of pesky moles. My grandparents were the same way.

But my first time, right out of the box, and the "C" word is already being discussed?!

And not only the "C" word but the most dreaded "C" word in the entire world.

Melanoma.

The test results were going to take about a week. Maybe two. She said if it was cancerous, they would then send the biopsy out for a second opinion.

Josh called the nurse yesterday morning because he was probably done seeing me in a puddle of tears every 5 or 6 minutes. He was going to see if there was any way of rushing things. The nurse said that the results were already back (yeah!) but that the doctor would need to read them before we could find out. (BOO!)

It was almost 5 pm. Yes, I called the nurse, admitted I am the lunatic patient that is freaking out and wondered if there was a way of finding out today. She chuckled....said the doctor had read them...and that she would be calling after she finished up seeing patients.

So I am loosing my mind even more than before because in that 2 minute phone call I went from thinking "Yeah! I am okay cause the test is back today." to "Crap. I am in serious trouble because the doctor herself is calling back." We all know that means that the nurse doesn't want to break the bad news. That is why doctors get paid the big bucks. To tell crying, emotionally unstable women like me that things are bad.

I sat and prepared myself. I was wrong. I hadn't prepared myself at all. Hearing the doctor say you have cancer, you can never be prepared to hear that. I bit my lower lip to not cry so I could focus on what she was saying and be clear headed enough to ask questions.

Good news. We caught it early enough on that with another surgery with a plastic surgeon and a head to toe exam 3 more times this year and every 6 months after that I should be okay. She was confident that it hadn't gone to my lymph nodes yet and once cut out of my neck should be the end of it.

My fingers are crossed. Really really tight.

Life gets really simple when you realize how quickly it could all go away.

There has been a new perspective on life around here. My Dad, Josh and my (quite possible!) future brother in law Jerrick, gave me a blessing last night. I don't get too spiritual here because it is very personal to me but there has been a peace in our home. The last three days have been ones of panic and tears. Today there are still fears that try to creep in but I know that I am being watched over. That He is mindful of me and of my family. I don't cry tears out of fear but out of the overpowering feeling of love.

I know that everything will work out. Everything will be okay. I have plenty of people watching over me. And on top of that, having something like this makes you realize how much you love and how much you are loved back.

I cannot thank everyone enough for their messages, for the phone calls and for coming by. Thank you from the very bottom of my heart. I can't even express how much it means to me. I am really TRULY a very lucky girl.